• …but you promised me!

    How to deal when things don’t go my way

     

    Due to my husband’s health issues, there are often time when he needs to cancel on me last minute as it is hard for him to predict how he will be feeling the day we have something planned. This is obviously not an ideal situation for me, or him, or anyone for that matter.

     

    This recently happened when we were planning to go out for a concert and even though we talked in length about it way ahead of time and prepared his schedule so that he would have enough energy for that day, he still wanted to cancel last minute. My inner child decided to throw a temper tantrum. My love language is quality time and upon feeling completely rejected, I shouted – “But you PROMISED me!”

     

    This led into an argument of wills (and feelings). Eventually, we came to a compromise. He would push through the concert and just take the following day off of work. Yes, this is what it had to come to…

     

    Now, believe me, I am someone who clings tightly to what other people and God promise me. God shares with us so many promises throughout scripture. I analyze each detail, find ways to apply it to my life and feel encouraged by it. However, I’ve noticed when things in my life are not going the way I want them to, I immediately go back aggressively shouting – “But you PROMISED me!”

     

    “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.” Is. 58:11

     

    When a loved one’s promise is unkept or when I misinterpret God’s promise to mean something different, I tend to place the blame back on the one who made the promise. I think this is a pretty rational thing to do – you make a promise to me, you fail to keep it, that’s on you. This has caused me to lose trust in the past because if someone isn’t able to keep their promise made to me, it causes hurt. This can spiral down even further into the mindset of – why would I trust someone who hurts me and does not keep their word?

     

    What I need to keep learning over and over again, is that this way of thinking does not leave room for mercy and forgiveness for my loved one and for myself. You see, if I am asked to forgive numerous times as scripture teaches us, I must do so even when I am hurt.

     

    My natural reaction of anger/hurt when a promise is broken with my husband is not how Jesus is asking me to respond. It’s a mere reaction. My response needs to be one of mercy. “I know you are not intentionally trying to hurt me or reject me, I forgive you.”

     

    The same concept applies to when I FEEL like God is not keeping His promises. This is difficult because I can only believe what I interpret to be true. “Who can know the mind of God?” (1 Cor. 2:16) He promises us so much, yet I still cannot know exactly what He means when He is promising those things to me. I am only left with my assumptions or what I “hope” them to be.

     

     

    Instead of reacting in anger/hurt, I am called to respond with mercy – Maybe I misinterpreted what His promises are for me regarding xyz situation, there could be another promise to this problem and I may not be able to recognize it quite yet. I will keep hoping and trusting.

     

     He whispered back to me…
    “Cling tightly to Me. Keep hoping, keep trusting, keep waiting on Me. I am hope. I am trust. I am with you.”

     

    I know that His most important promise is eternal life, and that is way better than going to a concert here on earth any day.

  • Married to chronic illness

    Another argument. Same cycle.

     

    It’s the same repetitive fight we have all too often: he’s sick and isn’t able to give me as much energy or time that I would like or need to feel loved each day in our marriage. I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice so much for him and adjust MY life, MY dreams and MY social circles. He constantly feels like he’s not good enough for me and feels like he is failing. I’m feeling unloved and he’s feeling disrespected.

     

    Why do we do this to ourselves?

     

    We attack each other and get angry at each other, instead of directing our anger elsewhere. For me, I need to direct my anger and resentment towards God and also against the Evil one. Because I know that God asked me to marry this amazing man…in sickness and health. And I did agree with Him. However, I arrived in this marriage ready with 1,000 expectations (mostly in part from what I’ve seen in the movies) that I didn’t know I had and pushed them onto my husband. And I wasn’t ready for reality, the reality of marriage, of illness and of him. I barely gave him a chance to be freely who God was asking him to be.

     

    And for him, that means being a man of amazing character, wit, intelligence and love. A man whose body may be fighting against its own immune system, but whose spirit is alive and determination is impeccable. And deep down, he wants to love me the way I need it…

     

    Instead, I look to my husband, my expectations and to God at times and scream — WHY DON’T I DESERVE XYZ?? WHY CAN’T I GET WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED IN MARRIAGE? WHY DOES MY HUSBAND HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS? WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER EACH DAY WITNESSING HIM SUFFER? WHY CAN’T WE TRAVEL MORE? WHY CAN’T WE HAVE DATE NIGHTS?

     

    None of this makes sense. None of this is logical. None of this can be explained – maybe never will be. Day in and day out, our life is unpredictable. This is one of the crosses that God is asking us to bear. And I have to admit, there are several days where I throw it back at Him telling Him that I don’t want this one. I’ve fallen just as He did, underneath the cross. And I will keep falling because I am realizing that I can’t bear it alone. He is near, very close and wants to help me an he sends people into my life to do this for me as well.

     

    The beauty of suffering as Christians is that we GET to mirror the life of Jesus Christ. Day after day, picking up the cross and continuing on the journey, alongside our friends and family.

     

    My marriage brings heavy crosses. However, the daily “yes” or fiat and daily cry for help greater than myself, allows me the opportunity to submit. To release all control.

    The challenge for me in all of this is that it’s actually really about control. The unpredictability, unfilled expectations, health issues that we face on a daily basis all force me to my knees. And force me to accept this fact: I am not in control. He is and always will be.

     

    And yet, who am I to always think I am?

    Let Him be Greater today.

     

    “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.  Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him,and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.”

    – 1 John 3:19-24